Looking for somewhere to stay in the heart of Brisbane?
Somewhere that's clean, convenient and best of all, free?
We recommend the Huangs and their wonderful suburban home.
We entered into the house via a dodgy lower window in the garage. We then made our way into the main part of the house by jemmying open the garage door. But despite the initial effort involved, it was worth the wait!
Inside the house you’ll find a well stocked fridge and a good liquor cabinet (though we deduct a few marks for lack of beer). There’s a good backyard with a pool and we spent a few pleasant hours splashing around and unwinding with a cocktail - a sort of improvised Martini we made using all the Gin and Vodka in the cabinet plus some day old kids’ poppas. We were pleasantly smashed when the owners returned home.
Luckily they were more distracted by our car that had parked in their driveway and run over a small dog (theirs). This meant there was less time for awkward questions about the vomit and broken glass in the pool. Oops!
We slept in a small study at the end of the house. It was a bit cramped though serviceable, once we’d put some of the furniture (desk, computer, safe) on the street. But the evening was not without its dramas! The hosts, though lovely, did ask a constant stream of questions – “Who are you?” “How did you get in?” “Please leave or we’ll call the police!” (this wasn’t technically a question but it was said so much it’s worth mentioning). As nice as they were, it was hard to try and sleep with all this going on. Finally, we had to wave a list of Mr Huang’s unlisted lawnmowing businesses that weren’t included in his last tax lodgements to the ATO. Our hosts graciously agreed to let us stay for one night.
Breakfast was pretty good, if simple. Toast, fruit, milk, coffee (instant unfortunately), hash browns and pancakes. The conversation was muted. Our host Kenneth kept checking his watch; two of the kids Lily and Michael kept asking us ‘why haven’t you left yet? Daddy says you’ll be gone in the morning”. Meanwhile Helen would occasionally moan about her slashed fingers from picking up the remnants of glass from the pool. Still, she was a real champ and her awesome pancakes made up for the occasional frosty silence!
Sadly there’s a real lack of wifi access. We asked for the password but were refused. We sighed and opened our briefcase and showed some startling documents relating to the Zampax Affair. Kenneth said he’d never heard of the Zampax Affair. We then showed it to his wife Helen. She also said she’d never heard of it. Perhaps we had the wrong briefcase? It turned out we did! Resolution: Still no wi-fi access.
Huangs are tremendous in a hostage situation! Now, we must stipulate that we don’t condone the taking of hostages a lot of the time! But when matters had reached their inevitable conclusion and arguments had been forcefully made and yet there was still no wi-fi, certain matters had to sadly happen.But we can report that the Huangs are excellent hostages! They are very accommodating and patient and also fine when you have to quickly catch a bus back home to pick up an express delivery for a firearm. Their garage was clean and tidy and you could padlock it from the outside... it practically screamed "hostage storage container!"
We did also manage to get a small ransom from some local relatives which was a small bonus. We gracefully refunded this to the Huangs as a way of recompense for all the damage – and to please get some free wifi for your guests!
Food – 3 stars
Accommodation – 3 stars
Conversation – 1 star
Wi-fi – no stars
Hostage situation – 4 stars
Inevitable police confrontation – 1 star (there was one attractive officer making the arrest)