Australia today broke new world records for its efforts in the Synchronised Swearing at the Commonwealth Games in Brisbane.
Up against traditional rivals England in the Two Minute Synchronised Swearathon, the Australian team left the judges gobsmacked with its precision formation of The Middle Finger Twist and non stop stream of random cuss words.
Despite missing their key swear smith, Carla Angle who had to pull out at the last minute due to a drinking injury, the team still managed to find a way through.
“It wasn’t easy without Carla,” admitted Rob Vonwiller, the team vice captain, “but we just dug deep within ourselves to find a new way of swearing in unision.”
“Australia, you have won our hearts with your fucketty boo and your angry dickhead singalong” said one judge, Antonio Galvestone, who was later deemed to be fictional. “Your language is as horribly blue as your deep blue oceans”.
The Australian team won five golds for Synchronised Swearing after completing the rare “Fuckyas All Triple Vomit” and even throw in a bonus “Whatcha Fucking Looking At? I’ll Fucking Nob Ya” that the team all sang in a carefully structured Gregorian chant.
Not even the celebrated team of the Essex Girls in the 1973 Commonwealth Games with their stunning acapella “yeah, what the bloody fuck, buy me a drink you limp dick shite” came close to the Australians’ work on the night.
The Australian team were even taken aback by their success themselves
“We actually didn’t realise the event had started” said team member Tamsen Arrow. “We were just taking the mickey out of one of Poms. We all started singing in unison ‘go back to where the sun don’t shine’. Then before we knew it the judges started holding up score cards. But it was all down to team work. Like I hit a bum note in “1… 2… 3… fuck off!” but the other girls covered it with ‘yeah, you wanker!’ We were just on fire!”
The Aussies even picked up bonus points for gobbing on a spectator. Meanwhile England pocketed a silver medal for their Synchronised Swearing of “Yarra Kunt! Yarra Kunt!” which judges assumed was a philosophical reference. The bronze went to Canada for their epic swear: “Please move out of the way, only if it suits you and your fist in my mouth isn’t inconveniencing you too much. Sorry. Please take my wallet.”
Australia now has enough gold in Synchronised Swearing to match its achievements in the Long Babbling Chunderous Taxi Ride Home.