Australia sees in the new financial year in style!

Despite a global pandemic and a global economic crisis, Australians didn’t hold back in celebrating the new financial year. There was much lively and rowdy celebrating across the country as a nation blearily saw in the exciting new financial year of 2020-2021. Or The End Times, Very Last Financial Year Ever as it’s known in financial circles.

Party goers celebrating
An office celebration threatens to get out of hand

“Woohoo! Happy new financial year”! Some hordes of young Sydney actuaries were heard to yell from cars as they roared around the beach side suburbs insouciantly waving USBs of expense accounts. 

Sadly, due to COVID 19, the traditional fireworks and bookkeeping displays in the main capital cities were cancelled. Instead large projected screens of videos on how to manually enter a tax return with celebrity host Jimmy Barnes were displayed.

Jimmy Barnes explains the pitfalls of company tax assessable income

Due to a daylight saving quirk Queensland was celebrating happy new financial year 1955. Meanwhile, in the ACT, people gathered around the largest roundabout that can also be claimed as a half flex day.

Here’s how it was celebrated coast to coast:

  • Pillaging and looting own houses in order to claim it back from the ATO in little known “Viking clause”.
  • Moving paper clips awkwardly. Creating a paper clip chain.
  •  “Excel spreadsheet parties” give new meaning to ‘dropping an E’.
  • Opening a bottle of champagne in backyard bunker wearing masks and gloating over claiming expensive handbag purchase as “office storage”
  • Firing off BAS statements at the stroke of midnight in a series of awe-inspiring synchronised faxes
  • Responsibly sipping from paper cup of cordial and munching on packet of Arnotts biccies due to “budget cuts”
  • Drunkenly moving “Assets and Income 2016′ folder into trash folder
  • Celebratory “burning of the books” bonfire before ATO tax agents arrive
  • Staring deeply and soberly into the frightening face of financial ruin. And listening to Jay Z. The other album.

Socceroos Secret Plan To Beat France In World Cup: Switch To Rugby League During Match

Croatia v Australia - International Friendly
The Socceroos- in happier times this afternoon, after winning their match against France

Australia have unveiled their master strategy to beat World Cup champions France, at the World Cup in Russia in their opening match. They plan to throw the French team into confusion by suddenly switching codes to rugby league during the soccer game.

“It’s a brilliant strategy” said assistant coach Mal Meninga. “The Frenchies don’t really know how to play league and their soccer team especially have no idea what a scrum is.”

The Australian team will initially unnerve the French players by performing an Australian haka instead of singing the national anthem. A Rhino football will be snuck in to replace the round soccer ball. Then, just after half time, the Australian soccer team will start forming scrums and unleashing some deadly tackles on the French side, including a few vicious “spear tackles”. Finally, two large goal posts (smuggled in from the Ukraine) will quietly replace the goal nets.

“It’ll be a league game by stealth” said Socceroos captain Miles Jedinak. “We’ll even bring along the Newcastle Knights cheerleaders and Andrew Johns to mix things up a bit.”

“You can’t underestimate the bone crunching impact of a 120 kilogram barrel chested tank running riot through the French defence” said Meninga. “Which is why we’ll be substituting Tim Cahill with James Tamou at the 70 minute mark. Come to think of it, we’ll substitute the whole front line.”

When informed that soccer doesn’t have a front line, Meninga said “well the goal scorers, whatever those guys are called. Shirkers?”

If all else fails, the Socceroos plan is to switch to AFL to really confuse the French opposition.

“It’ll be a helluva game” said special consultant and former League player Peter Sterling “this’ll really make wog ball great again.”