A Complete Guide To Randwick

Designed by a French Impressionist, created by German Nihilists and attacked by large red brick apartment buildings, the leafy suburb of Randwick certainly has a colourful history!

It was Australian celebrity. world record breaking burper and cover model for “Slightly Dead” magazine, Scott Cam, who famously said “those who are tired of Randwick are tired of life.” Though he later claimed he was misheard and actually said, “those who buy Randwick tyres are lired of tife”.

Still, he was onto something. Randwick grew from a small toxic pool of slime, infested by mosquitos and rugby union players, into a thriving city with a world famous Bondi Beach, the Dr Frank Hollowes Reserve for The Blind, and three pedestrian crossings (with many more scheduled for 2021 – well, one more), two of which are uniquely painted black to match the tar of the road.

Randwick also gave birth to some famous Australians, such as Sir Charles Kingsford Smith – who discovered Sydney’s airport; Randy Wick – who gave the suburb its name; and Wylie’s Baths – not a person but a place of worship. And we mustn’t forget the evil French genius La Perouse who also gave the suburb its name. Though, ironically, he himself was actually named after La Perouse Beach where he was born. One of those rare cases where art imitates geography.

In the early 1920s, Randwick really took off when several large red brick apartment buildings were dumped in the suburb by a mysterious black van and left there. Curious townsfolk and itinerate two dollar shop owners, flocked there and soon this became the classic Golden-Red Age of Randwick.

These days Randwick is famous for more than just its Red Towers Of Power*. It’s a university town – as the new tram line means you can catch a tram to Sydney University. It has a famous racecourse where drunken hornbags compete in nation stopping hat wearing competitions. And it has a rifle range with low to moderate carnage.

A typical day in Randwick might involve breakfast at the Shell Petrol Station on Ocean Bay Road, where the mostly salmonella free sausage rolls are a major community talking point. Then you stroll over to Mick’s Grass Verge at 49 Wandesby Road, Randwick for a gentle roll across the verge until Mick chases you off with a whipper snipper.

At lunch you might saunter down to Maroubra Beach, making sure not to bring any wallet, jewellery or expensively filled teeth with you. Or a nice looking towel – as they too get stolen pretty quickly. In the afternoon you might wander over to the Long Bay Correctional Centre to feed the prisoners their daily ration of peanuts and toothpaste. Later at the Maroubra Rifle Range, if you pay for the Premium Experience, you can even have a go at shooting one of the prisoners in a sort of “Snipe the Duck” thing. Then, finally, in the evening, you’ll probably want to head over to the Sydney Opera House to drink at the Opera Bar, gaze at the Harbour and dream of a better world where grass verges are uniformly mowed.

As the Randwick Mayor, Jules Verne, says: “Great place to visit, even better place to live and its got everything you could ever want… on a budget. I’m talking about Batemans Bay.”

Rating: 4 out of 5.

  • Not notionally a person for another 112 years!

Australia sees in the new financial year in style!

Despite a global pandemic and a global economic crisis, Australians didn’t hold back in celebrating the new financial year. There was much lively and rowdy celebrating across the country as a nation blearily saw in the exciting new financial year of 2020-2021. Or The End Times, Very Last Financial Year Ever as it’s known in financial circles.

Party goers celebrating
An office celebration threatens to get out of hand

“Woohoo! Happy new financial year”! Some hordes of young Sydney actuaries were heard to yell from cars as they roared around the beach side suburbs insouciantly waving USBs of expense accounts. 

Sadly, due to COVID 19, the traditional fireworks and bookkeeping displays in the main capital cities were cancelled. Instead large projected screens of videos on how to manually enter a tax return with celebrity host Jimmy Barnes were displayed.

Jimmy Barnes explains the pitfalls of company tax assessable income

Due to a daylight saving quirk Queensland was celebrating happy new financial year 1955. Meanwhile, in the ACT, people gathered around the largest roundabout that can also be claimed as a half flex day.

Here’s how it was celebrated coast to coast:

  • Pillaging and looting own houses in order to claim it back from the ATO in little known “Viking clause”.
  • Moving paper clips awkwardly. Creating a paper clip chain.
  •  “Excel spreadsheet parties” give new meaning to ‘dropping an E’.
  • Opening a bottle of champagne in backyard bunker wearing masks and gloating over claiming expensive handbag purchase as “office storage”
  • Firing off BAS statements at the stroke of midnight in a series of awe-inspiring synchronised faxes
  • Responsibly sipping from paper cup of cordial and munching on packet of Arnotts biccies due to “budget cuts”
  • Drunkenly moving “Assets and Income 2016′ folder into trash folder
  • Celebratory “burning of the books” bonfire before ATO tax agents arrive
  • Staring deeply and soberly into the frightening face of financial ruin. And listening to Jay Z. The other album.

Socceroos Secret Plan To Beat France In World Cup: Switch To Rugby League During Match

Croatia v Australia - International Friendly
The Socceroos- in happier times this afternoon, after winning their match against France

Australia have unveiled their master strategy to beat World Cup champions France, at the World Cup in Russia in their opening match. They plan to throw the French team into confusion by suddenly switching codes to rugby league during the soccer game.

“It’s a brilliant strategy” said assistant coach Mal Meninga. “The Frenchies don’t really know how to play league and their soccer team especially have no idea what a scrum is.”

The Australian team will initially unnerve the French players by performing an Australian haka instead of singing the national anthem. A Rhino football will be snuck in to replace the round soccer ball. Then, just after half time, the Australian soccer team will start forming scrums and unleashing some deadly tackles on the French side, including a few vicious “spear tackles”. Finally, two large goal posts (smuggled in from the Ukraine) will quietly replace the goal nets.

“It’ll be a league game by stealth” said Socceroos captain Miles Jedinak. “We’ll even bring along the Newcastle Knights cheerleaders and Andrew Johns to mix things up a bit.”

“You can’t underestimate the bone crunching impact of a 120 kilogram barrel chested tank running riot through the French defence” said Meninga. “Which is why we’ll be substituting Tim Cahill with James Tamou at the 70 minute mark. Come to think of it, we’ll substitute the whole front line.”

When informed that soccer doesn’t have a front line, Meninga said “well the goal scorers, whatever those guys are called. Shirkers?”

If all else fails, the Socceroos plan is to switch to AFL to really confuse the French opposition.

“It’ll be a helluva game” said special consultant and former League player Peter Sterling “this’ll really make wog ball great again.”